Thursday, August 26, 2004
I don't update my journal very often.
Part of that is because I think that 'nothing happens to me' (other than appearing at Europe's largest regular lan party, building a mame cab, taking the kitten to the vet... but that's not interesting), or stuff that happens that's nothing to do with anyone. I was sitting on the train now, quietly thinking to myself 'I never have anything to post on my journal', and happily farming runes in Lord of the Rings on my GBA.
But sometimes, something interesting does happen. And as the Chinese probably once used as a curse - 'May you live in intersting times'
So there I am, minding my own business, waiting for the train to leave, and a girl got on. I didn't take much notice, as I'd just gotten the Doom rune, and was considering the effects of corruption on my Frodo. She was, hmm, 17-19, dyed blonde hair, thin, tired looking, sandals. She sat down in the seat behind me, facing away from me.
So off we go on our train journey... the ticket collector comes round to check our tickets. Now, ticket collecters fall into many categories. There's the anal jobsworth, the cheerful one who doesn't care, the weary 'I've seen it all' guy... this one is a nice collector, I like him. Perhaps 45, tattoos, quite a large bloke, usually quite cheerful and chatty, taking no nonsense.
So I get out my ticket, wave it at him, and go back to defeating Shelob. Now, being the ninja that I am, I usually have my headphones on really quietly when in public places, or places where I don't feel 100% secure and safe; today was no exception, and I could hear every word from the seat behind me.
*ticket is presumably waved*
"Did you buy this ticket today?"
"Oh, but it has yesterday's date on it."
"i dunno nuffin about that, i just put, uh, three fifty in the machine"
"I see. And what time did you do this?"
"duno, like ten minutes ago. twenty"
"More like an hour ago. Now, let's tear these up (rip rip), and start again, shall we?"
"I BOUGHT THOSE I HAVE A DAUGHTER TO PICK UP" (shouting)
"Now madam, there's no need to raise your voice"
"IM NOT SHOUTIN!"
"Yes, you are, now..."
"IM NOT RAISIN MY VOICE I HAVE A DAUGHTER TO PICK UP"
"Ok, Madam, we're not going to..."
"YOU STOP TREATING ME LIKE A LITTLE GIRL IM NOT A GIRL YOU ASK THAT WOMAN THERE YOU GO ON ABOUT YOUR MACHINE YOU FAT GREEDY BASTARD"
"Now, look, I have treated you civilly, and now you're abusing me"
"NO YOURE THE ONE WHOS ABUSING ME AN TREATING ME LIKE A LICKLE GERL YOU FUCKING ASK HER"
Now, it should be noted that I'm in a half length carriage here, with 4 seats, a bike rack and a toilet (which, incidentally, had a bloke in them the ENTIRE journey, desperately trying to flush /something/), and there's only me, her, and the ticket collector there.
So he turns to me, obviously amused, and goes:
"Excuse me, Sir? Would you say I have been abusing this lady?"
Me:"Uhm, no, I'd say you'd been perfectly polite"
"HE WOULD SAY THAT, HES A (gargoyle?) LIKE YOU!"
"See Sir, now she's abusing you'
"I AINT SHOUTING I AINT DONE NOTHING I PUT THREE FIFTY IN THE MACHINE I GOTTA GO PICK UP MY DAUGHTER FROM SCHOOL I HAVE HER BIRF CERTIFICATE HERE (rustle) HER NAMES LOOEY-ANN I GOTTA PICK HER UP YOU GONNA GET HER OR IS GOD"
"Do you have any money on you?"
"no i paid for my fucking ticket three fifty"
"So you can't pay for a new ticket?"
"NO I FUCKING BOUGHT ONE I HAVE A DAUGHTER TO PICK UP"
"Madam, you can get off the station at Ash, and that's the end of it"
"OH YEAH YOU GONNA MAKE ME YOU'LL HAVE TO THROW ME OFF"
"You know I can't do that"
"YOU'LL HAVE TO CALL THE FUCKING POLICE THEN WONTCHA AND MAKE EVERYONE LATE I HAVE A DAUGHTER TO PICK UP"
"I'll do that."
He then walks off.
She turns to me then, and starts going:
"who the fuck does he think he is, greedy fat prick, i have a daughter to pick up"
"Did you buy a ticket?"
"i fucking bought it"
"i put three fifty in the machine and"
"Look, I've been on these trains every day for the last 2 years and"
"so you saw me every day right!"
"No, I've never seen you before"
"yeah you have and"
"I've never seen you, and the machines have never fucked up like that"
"IS THAT MY RESPONSIBILITY?"
"Er, yes actually"
"LOOK, if you fucking start at me, i'll fucing punch you in the face"
Now, if you know me at all, you'll know that I don't bluff. If I threaten to punch you in the face, I suggest you step backwards a foot or 3. But most people are all talk. As I said earlier, if I'm not 100% secure, I don't have my sound up loud - and I also check where the cameras are, and I have a practised line to use in this circumstances
"You'll punch me in the face?"
"yeah dont you fucking start i will"
"With a camera there *point* and there *point* ?"
"I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT NO CAMERAS"
One other thing - you swing at me, I don't care if you're a man OR a woman, old or young, you're going to end up with all the damage that 25 years of games playing reflexes will muster on you, and I'm not going to stop until I'm assured that you're not going to cause me any more damage.
She shut up. She sat down and started muttering to herself.
Oh... so you DO care? Bluff called. I win.
The ticket guy comes back, and asks us to leave the carriage (two kids had come in to watch the show)... just before we arrive at Guildford, he came through to open the doors, and said 'I hate being a social worker. After she laid the guilt trip on me, and the tears, she calmed down'
"I wouldn't like your job. She threatened to punch you in the face"
He said that it was ok, for every one like her, there was 500 like me.
Note that you can't actually leave Guildford station without a valid ticket, and especially not when two big 'TRAIN SECURITY' blokes are... I had no idea what she was thinking.
So, to wrap up. I'm glad I don't have interesting things to write about too often. Also, I think you should have to get a license to become a parent.
posted by A 9:50 AM